Reach Out and Touch

Amelia clutched her duffel, unaware of how tightly her hand was holding onto it. The late  March cool air made her white knuckles begin to dry and crack around her healing blisters. The  gray, cloudy sky taunted her with rain, but with New England weather, who knew. Amelia stood  outside the campus chapel with about twenty other students waiting for the bus. She’d seen some  of them around campus before but wasn’t friendly with any of them. In the distance another girl  came jogging up to the group, her blond ponytail bobbing side to side. “Oh good the bus isn’t  even here yet!” She smiled and quickly assimilated into the group making small talk with her  peers.  

Great. 

Louisa Mitchel and Amelia had been friends since their freshman year. They were in the  same orientation group during field day where Amelia and a few others had to duct tape Louisa  to the wall in the rain. The college definition of “team building” was bizarre. Amelia and Louisa  had laughed the whole time declaring they would sue, but ended up just getting dinner together.  They had movie nights and partied together. They decided to live together sophomore year. One night around Halloween, Louisa suggested they make a fort and tell each other ghost stories. This year Amelia had a single, and Louisa was a resident advisor.  

Louisa caught her eye. “Amelia!” She smiled, waving. “I didn’t know you were coming  too.”  

Amelia mustered up a smile that fooled no one, and felt a twinge of guilt in her gut.

On the bus Amelia sat alone. She was starting to think that maybe this whole trip was a  bad idea. She picked at her nails even though there was nothing there. She looked around the  bus. Louisa was in the back laughing with two girls. Well, self help is the new frontier. It’s only a  weekend, she told herself. Two months ago, this retreat sounded like a fun get away. A weekend  of self reflection with no phones, no watches, no Teddy. Amelia ripped at a piece of skin on her  thumb nail too hard and a thin line of blood formed.  

There were five group leaders on the trip, and they all passed out paper and pens. One of  them, a tall skinny boy wearing a sweater that could only be described as psychedelic, addressed  the group. “So this is going to be a letter to yourself,” he said. It doesn’t have to be anything super long, it’s just to set your intentions and think about what you want out of the weekend.”  

She struggled to think of something to write. She drew a flower in the corner of the page.  What she wanted was a fluffernutter. The windows fogged up, the heat from the inside mixing  with the outside cold. She drew a tree with a tire swing. Dear Amelia, she wrote, I hope that this  weekend you find some clarity? I hope the food is good and you have a good time. She searched  the metal ceiling, looking for answers in the screws that kept all the pieces together. That was a  lot of pressure, being a screw. She passed in her letter with everyone else. One of the group  leaders played, “Do You Believe in Magic” through a speaker. Amelia looked out the window,  drawing in the condensation. 

Amelia and Teddy were totally blasted. It was spring weekend which meant it was finally  starting to get warm. She wore a crop top, he wore a backwards baseball cap. The pair stumbled  all over campus, walking into every building just because.  

“Do you believe in magic! In a young girl’s heart, how the music can free her whenever it  starts!” Teddy twirled her as he sang. Amelia’s cheeks were red from the wine.  “Should we go and meet up with everyone?” 

“No, I just want to be here with you.” He smiled and pulled her in and then continued his  slurred singing. “And we'll go dancing, baby, then you'll see how the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me!” 

…

After about two hours of staring out the window, and failing to nap, they had arrived. She  had no idea where they were. Somewhere north of school? She hoped they wouldn’t get axe  murdered. There was a large wooden lodge covered in snow, and a little bit up the driveway there  was another building. They brought their things into a huge room on the first floor with a dark  blue carpet. One of the walls was all windows. Through the trees you could see the beginning of  a pond, maybe a lake. It seemed almost frozen over. A middle aged man wearing a fleece vest  that matched the carpet sat on a couch and smiled at them all. 

The man’s name was Tony and he welcomed them. He worked in Campus Wellness, and  said that being here made them brave. That self discovery is hard. While he talked he tried to  make eye contact with everyone individually.  

Summer, one of the group leaders told the group to go down into the rooms in the basement and bring up the mattresses so they could all have “a big sleepover” in the main room. Calling them mattresses was a bit of a stretch since they were only about two and half inches thick. Amelia picked a spot on the edge of the room, by the window. Louisa set up her bed one over from Amelia. She was talking to someone Amelia had taken stats with her first freshman year.  Sam? No. Ali? She couldn’t remember her name. 

Louisa walked over to Amelia. “Hey, how are you doing?” Her eyes were big, apologetic.  “Fine. You?” Maybe it was Sam. 

“Right, well, I’m glad that you’re here, I’ve heard great things about this retreat.” No, her name was Maddie, duh. 

“Well, if you wanna talk at all, ever, I’m here.” 

“Okay.” 

And the festivities began. Once everyone set up their mats the room felt smaller, almost  cozy. They had ordered pizza, and done the usual painful icebreakers: name, year, major, home town, fun fact. The sun dwindled beyond the lake; in the room candles were lit. One of the  group's leaders Beatrice, Bee for short, sat on the couch in front of us. Her long brown hair was  pulled back into two French braids, and she wore a headband with flowers on it. She told a story  about her relationship with her childhood best friend who had passed away due to some illness.  She didn’t specify. She cried as she spoke about Christy, the girl she knew her whole life as bubbly, funny, sometimes inappropriate, suddenly didn’t exist anymore. The whole room passed tissues around, sympathetic looks were shared. She wrapped it up by telling the group how she felt like Christy was still with her in her heart, and how she honors her memory by living her life to  the fullest. It really was lovely. They broke up into small groups to “decompress” and talk about  what had just been shared before bed. Louisa went up to Bee and hugged her. 

That night Amelia stared at the ceiling trying to get comfortable on the thin mattress.  Other people had brought extra blankets and pillows, but she had not thought this far ahead. 

Every time she moved she tried to avoid hitting her Neosporin covered knuckles against her  sleeping bag. It was kind of sweet how everyone was sleeping in the same room. It was like one big slumber party, or like when she and Louisa would make the forts in their dorm. Night had always been strange to her. People put on special clothing, lay down, wrap themselves up, close their eyes and drift to sleep. But there is no way of knowing if you would wake up. Talk about blind faith. When she was younger, she would wear her favorite pink pajamas every night. She would get into bed and wait. Wait to fall asleep and then wake up and try and remember the last thing she’d been thinking about the night before. But, every night, before dreamland took her away she would think about what would happen if the whole Earth just fell. Earth, breaking a part into orange slices, floating down into the starry universe; Amelia would lay still on her bed, careful not to move too much and tip it over. 

…

The next day three more people spoke. Martin, a junior with a chipped front tooth, talked about how growing up with dyslexia made him work even harder in school and he eventually won a bunch of academic scholarships and wants to help kids with learning disabilities. Summer wore a big gray sweater with “I <3 Milk” on it and talked about growing up on a farm. Amelia didn’t really get what the adversity there was in that, but Summer seemed like a pretty cool gal  so she didn’t mind. 

The last one before lunch was Lexi’s talk. She had short pink hair that curled at the bottom. She talked about the biggest fight she ever got into with her parents. She had come out to them, she explained as she cried. Everyone nodded and sniffled. One or two people stepped out of the room. Amelia wondered what Teddy was doing right now. Where he was, if he was thinking of her. She wanted him to be here, running his fingers through her hair, kissing her bruised knuckles. She offered a tissue to a boy next to her. She had seen him around campus before. He quietly sobbed into his knees. She reached out and touched his back, slowly moving her hand in small circular motions.  

After Lexi’s talk, they broke up into their small groups of about five people. The boy in  the psychedelic sweater— Roy, was there too. He was the one group leader who hadn’t given a  talk yet. She had seen him laughing at breakfast earlier. He got up to get more pancakes and  Amelia pretended to be interested in the eggs next to him. He smelled like maple, maybe. Something sweet. She imagined he liked hiking, or that maybe he tried LSD once and decided to buy that sweater. She figured he was a senior. Tony led the discussion. Today his vest was green.  

“So how do you folks think Lexi must have felt? That must have been really hard for her,  right?” 

The room was quiet. 

“I can totally relate to that.” A boy named Dylan said. “It sucks when you don’t have a  supportive parent in your life.” 

Everyone agreed and the conversation chugged along, everyone jumping in with unfair  things their parents had done to them. 

“And it just feels like my mom never takes my side. It sucks,” a girl with big blue eyes  said as she twirled her hair. Amelia nodded.  

“Yeah,” Amelia said, not sure what had come over her. “It’s hard because sometimes I think parents will say something, and you love them, and you know they grew up in a different time, but it’s like wow, you’re still thinking that way? And then you wonder how to even communicate with them in a way they will get it.” 

Tony looked at Amelia. Really looked. “Mmh yes, could you speak more to that, Amelia?” 

“Uh.” She swallowed. “I guess sure… Well, like what I said, it's hard when your parents say things that hurt you and you don’t know how to talk to them about it without causing a scene  I guess… like sometimes you can’t help but get really emotional about it.” Something was cracking open inside her, maybe it was her jaw; that would explain why she couldn’t stop talking. “Like, my dad really gets my case about my weight and that’s um… really hard to hear…” The girl with the big blue eyes moved to sit next to her and give her a hug. Roy passed her a tissue. Some other people spoke too and then their time was up, they were off to lunch. Amelia took another tissue and blew her nose. Roy stayed, waiting. She turned and he hugged her. Caught off guard she breathed him in. She still couldn’t decide if it was cologne or just something he picked up in the great outdoors.  

“I think you’re a really beautiful person in how you understand things,” he said, patting her back. “You’re so thoughtful.”  

Beautiful? Amelia shrugged. He looked down at her, smiling. “I can see it. There is something in you, you have a really great energy.” 

“Thanks.” 

She didn’t mind the hug. She didn’t mind hearing nice things about herself, even if they  weren’t true. If she could go back to last weekend and change it she would. After the party when  they went back to Teddy’s place she had not been thoughtful. She was drunk and her mind was all foggy. She certainly wasn’t beautiful either, messy hair, tears and snot on her shirt. She’d been an idiot. Trying to be helpful, but not succeeding. 

Lunch was in the building up the drive. It turned out the whole building was just a cafeteria. She felt like she was at a sleepaway camp. She sat at a table with Tony, and a few others. She picked at her green beans.  

“Ya know, you remind me of my wife,” Tony said sipping from his cup of tea. 

Amelia blinked. Don’t be weird.  

“You’re so nice.” 

“Oh. Thanks, I try.” 

After lunch, back at the lodge Amelia went to the basement where the bathroom was. She  put more Neosporin on her hand. She looked in the mirror. She had some acne scars on her chin.  She picked at her skin. She pulled her cheeks taunt trying to see what it would look like if she  got really bad plastic surgery done. 

“I feel gross.”  

“Okay fine, you are gross.” Teddy looked at her the way kids look when they know they aren't going to get punished for breaking the rules. “Gross. G for gorgeous, R for radiant, O  for outstanding, and double S for shining star.”  

One morning, after a night out Amelia lay in his warm bed. She woke up to his index finger making little circles around the tip of her nose. Her mascara smeared on his pillow case. “You’re my favorite,” he said.  

But, then she remembered, last year, his lips on hers pushing her against the wall. Music  from the other room vibrated the walls. Wasn’t that what she wanted?

Teddy rolled his eyes. “We were both drunk so it’s a double standard for you to be mad at me.” 

Double standard? 

She opened the bathroom door and collided with Louisa.  

“Oh. Sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” Louisa stepped into the bathroom. 

Amelia turned around. “Hey, I just wanted to say— What I mean is, I’m sorry. For every thing— I mean this year. I wish we had lived together.” 

Louisa blinked. “Yeah. That sucked. But, hey there is always next year? How are you?” 

“I’ve been better.”  

Louisa took her hand. “Look. I know we haven’t seen much of each other this year. But, I  really mean it when I say you can talk to me. Okay?” 

Amelia blinked away a tear. “Okay.” They hugged. 

“I’ll see you up there okay. But right now I really need to pee.” They laughed and hugged  again.

…

The rest of the evening, until dinner, they were encouraged to journal about the experiences they had so far this weekend. Instead, Amelia, Maddie, Louisa and the boy who had been  crying earlier, Sammy, spent their time eating Swedish fish, and making crude drawings of each  other. Sammy drew Maddie with a huge nose that made her look like a witch. They laughed so  hard they thought their sides would burst. 

The last event of the evening was Roy’s talk. The lights were out but the candles were lit,  perfectly hitting his jaw. He put on his glasses, as he looked at the story he was about to read to  them. A hush fell over the room. When Roy was younger his parents divorced, and his mom dealt  with some substance use issues. He talked about how he found his faith, and became his own  person. He wasn’t pushing his beliefs on anyone, he was just telling it like it was. He was so sure  of himself. 

Later, before bed Amelia snuck outside for some fresh air. Roy was outside too. “I liked what you said.” 

“Thanks,” he said.  

She moved closer. Close enough to see his breath against the night air. The sky was twinkling with stars. No light pollution here. Wherever the hell here is. She looked for the Big Dipper. It was the only constellation she knew.  

“I used to be really afraid of the dark,” she said.  

“I think everyone is at some point.”  

“I guess. I think stars are so pretty, but when I think about space I start to freak out.” He looked at her and laughed to himself, rolling his sleeve up as much as he could. He had the solar system tattooed on his arm, Pluto and everything. It could have been a painting. She traced Venus with her finger. She studied it. 

“It doesn’t, I don’t know, stress you out? The unknowable?” 

“I like it. We don’t know what’s out there, but whatever is could be fucking amazing.” He  smiled and put an arm around her pulling her in close.

That night she dreamt about being a little kid, jumping from star to star. She jumped from  one star to the next, but this time when she landed she found herself outside Teddy’s room. Slowly, she opened the door, to find him leaning against his bed. The stench of vomit attacked her as she entered the room. “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie was blaring.  

“What happened, are you okay?” She rushed towards him looking for the source of the smell. “Teddy, do you have any water, how about we go to the bathroom—”  “No!” 

“Teddy, come on we need to get you cleaned up.” 

“NO!”  

“Why did you even call me over here then?” Amelia said, turning away. There was a  splash of vomit across the door. She walked over towards his desk and picked up the Clorox  wipes, kneeled down, and began cleaning.  

“Because, I knew you would come. Because, I love you.” 

“You don’t love me!” Her scream turned to a sob. “You don’t love me, you can’t say that.  Please, stop saying that.” 

Teddy dragged her up off the ground, pulling her into a bear hug, almost suffocating her. “Stop crying, I do mean it, I do,” he pleaded, mountain dew and tequila on his breath. She tried  to pull away but he wouldn’t let up. Vomit from his shirt got in her hair. He started crying too. There was a knock at the door. “Res-Life.” 

“Go away!” Teddy barked. 

“Someone reported a noise complaint. Is everything ok in there?”  

Teddy swung the door open, “I said go away, bitch!” In the doorway was Louisa. 

Amelia stomped over to the door, “Hey! You don’t talk to her like that! You don’t get to  call people that. You’re being an ass!” Teddy turned and shoved Amelia to the hardwood floor, her knuckles crushing first, splintering them open. Warm blood crept its way out. Everything started to sound like they were underwater.  

Teddy loomed over, saying something about never taking his side. She heard Louisa yelling, she was going to call the police.  

She woke up, breathing fast, her hand stinging.  

…

It was their last morning together. After breakfast everyone gathered in the big room.  They had all agreed that the room was starting to smell like feet. Bee stood in front of everyone,  explaining the last activity of the weekend. It was called reach out and touch, and everyone  needed to get into a big circle and face outward. Each round different people would be picked to  be in the middle. She was going to read statements out loud and if the people in the middle  thought the statement applied to someone in the big circle they should go and touch them. She  said the touch could be a hug or just a touch on the shoulder, and if someone wasn’t comfortable  with big hugs to keep a hand behind their back. People in the outer circle needed to keep their  eyes closed. 

Amelia stood in the big circle. 

Bee read. “If you think this person is kind, reach out and touch them.” 

Amelia felt a few different people touch her shoulder. She ran her fingers over her knuckles. 

“If you feel like you made a new friend with this person, reach out and touch.” 

Amelia felt someone hug her from behind. Sammy, maybe.  

“If you think this person is beautiful, reach out and touch.” 

Statement after statement Amelia felt someone squeeze her shoulder, hug her, hold her. She cried and let the tears run down her face. No one could see her anyway. 

“If you think this person is deserving of love and happiness, reach out and touch.” 

Tony, Sammy, Louisa, Roy— she was picturing them, but it could have been anyone.

Written Fall 2019 

Art Credit: Helene Graham